But I really do want to continue.
After putting down Living the Cross Centered Life, I placed the book in its rightful place: a bookshelf. I turned 180 degrees from the bookshelf and saw my desk. On it was Stop Dating the Church: Fall in Love with the Family of God by Joshua Harris. And then I remembered my concerns for a community.
For a good part of my freshman year at De Anza, I felt quite disconnected from any community. The first community I felt somewhat disconnected from was Water Walkers Christian Club from Monta Vista. I did not have much friends when I moved to MV. WWCC was where I met my, perhaps only, circle of friends. But this "circle" was more than a circle; this was a group of BASICs whom I will know all my life, even if I only know them by name and face. They were on their way to their respective 4-year institutions.
The second community I felt somewhat disconnected from was my church group. I graduated. I was no longer a "dedicated" member of my youth group. I've never felt truly knit to the people in my youth group, and now I felt they were somewhat gone as well.
The third disconnection came from my ex-girlfriend. We broke up mid-August 2009 because of various reasons. I felt she no longer wanted me. She expressed herself, when I brought up breaking up, that she did not "like" me anymore, that the feeling just "died". I also felt that I should not be "yoked" with a person that didn't believe. She made it her point not to believe.
I was so wrong. I let deceptive feelings of loneliness take over my heart. I let fake fears take over my life. I was so surrounded by people. I don't know loneliness.
Jesus knew loneliness. Jesus discovered it when he was nailed to the cross, when God left him (Matthew 27:46, Mark 15:34). To be despised by men, who called his name and demanded taht he be crucified was okay for Jesus, because God was with him. To be abandoned by his disciples (we know Peter to deny Jesus three times before the rooster made its sound) was okay for Jesus, because God was with him. To choose to be nailed to the cross for those who left him was okay, because God was with him.
Imagine this for a second. Everyone knows your name. Your name in the mouths and ears of the masses, and nothing but hatred and anger clung to your name as it moved along those mouths and ears. When authority asks the masses what to do with you, the masses demand with tremendously unified chanting "kill him", "destory him", "make him pay!" Each and every person of the masses yearned to see you dead. With every fiber of their being they wished you gone, wiped from the face of this earth. There was no sense burying you because your flesh was fit for vultures to pick off, for you were no human, but an animal not worthy of decay in the earth, but to be digested by animals, for animals were better than you. "Animals" like the murderers (for the world tends to rate murderers as animals rather than humans).
But that was okay for Jesus, because God was with him.
Then God left him. The one person Jesus clung onto left him. The one hope he had, left. The one reason to why he was on the nails left him.
And still he was obedient to the Lord, expressed by the committing of his spirit to God (Luke 24:46). Then John 20:30.
What Jesus experienced was true loneliness. Nothing a human may ever experience.
And certainly, I was in no way experiencing such a loneliness.
For there were friends. There were family members. There were people I know at church.
Most importantly, I know God. Who brought me together with people, Christian or not. Through going to friends, prayer, and getting involved, I was brought up standing taller than before.
Because God had given me friends I would know for life who know what it means to carry burdens, who knew compassion, who encouraged me when I needed it. Don't be confused, however, that I am speaking only of Christians, for there were also dear friends who helped me who are non-Christian. Rather, it is the existence of relationships that define loneliness, and in my particular case, I was no lonely. For I had relationships, but I let the deceptive thoughts and fears of loneliness take my heart, blind my eyes to see what blessings in the form of people I was given.
I finished Stop Dating the Church. Reading the book was the encouragement I needed. I feel more grounded in my church. My attitude to which I chose to lead a group has become more refined. I was a bit confused to why I chose to head a college ministry, other than because I know it was for a Good reason, but now I am clearer in my reasoning.
For one, we are all called to
For two, I want to get to know my congregation. For almost two years I have not really attempted to love everyone in my congregation. By getting to know more people, I pray God will encourage them through me. I am no spiritual comforter, that is, I do not know much doctrine nor have much scripture in my head to pull out for every style of suffering there is, but I am an able-bodied man. I know God wants to use me, and so I give to Him myself.
I believe there was a third reason but I cannot recall.
I am certainly not fit for this job, but I took it in a leap of faith that God will help and use me in this ministry.
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I went outside and meddled with the laundry. While I was doing laundry, I smiled to myself because I realized that my friend had suggested reading as one of the "distractions" to let my mind focus on other things rather than the other thing I was focused in before. I suppose, though, I can't let go just yet. I don't have a peace of mind. However, I don't have a negative mind. Rather, I am waiting earnestly.
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