Something in this world's trivialities has caught me in the merry-go-around of a systematic lifestyle which we are inevitably all bound but only some receive the displeasure and the despair which it brings.
My fire burns alone in this empty society. A beacon overshadowed by the darkness around it. The winds of loneliness and the rains of superficiality come again and again, threatening the life of this fire. It is slowly fading. It is becoming one with the emptiness.
Only one thing can rekindle this fire.
It is the Word. It is the connection with the Lord Himself that can ignite this fire once again and return it to normal, return it to a scorching bonfire emptiness and darkness surround in fear and amazement.
Yet I have become reluctant. Over and over again, I have caught my lips uttering "dirty words", as my math professor calls them. They began slipping through, and now are swimming in my mind. Along with this, the feeling of feeling of estrangement with the community at my school. The yearning for brothers and sisters to join once again with me in brotherhood.
But in the midst of this internal storm, I praise the Lord. As MLK had written in his Letter from Birmingham Jail, "I have no despair about the future."

Titles are overrated. A piece of writing does not require a title to be considered good writing. Thus, this piece does not get to title itself.

Last weekend was interesting. On Sunday, I had 1-on-1's with three different people. I really enjoy 1-on-1's, because there is a sense of intimacy attained when I get to talk to someone else about anything under the sun. I feel as though they could let themselves out, as if they were talking to a diary, and they they could trust me with everything they say. To do my part, I become a listener rather than a speaker, only commenting when it is necessary. Much is learned about the other person in the process. Yesterday, I understood more about, well, everything. Everything?
Well, I learned about God, is that not learning something about everything?

I slept at 12:30 am last night.
I woke up at 5 am this morning, as if it were nothing. It is now 10:07, and I am as energetic as ever! I have been singing, dancing, and doing homework. I dropped my brother off to school, and visited my Japanese teacher. I went to Marina, hoping to grab some pineapple buns, but they were not fully baked, so I returned home. Energy, I can feel it within every artery, vein, or whatever. It is surging all over me, almost as if I was schizophrenic.

AHHHHHH

I have been sleeping at 9:30 and waking up at my shift times, or close to them, the past couple days. I am a morning person, and waking up early means I perform better during the day. This will become a habit, no doubt. I want to have these biological times elsewhere, in Africa maybe, and do work in the fields, for it is ready for harvest, I tell you!
But I am here, preparing myself for the future to come. It is all good!

ALL GOOD!
Do you know why?

First Fragment: Loneliness

Loneliness hurts. It resides in my heart, and eats away the happiness. It changes mindsets at the roots, at the source, at the core. Disregarding, it calls out louder, bites harder, and takes over.

I lift my eyes unto the hills, where does my help come from?
My help comes from the LORD, the maker of Heaven and earth!

And so, it is extinguished. That feeling is gone.
--------------------------------------------------------------------

Before I knew God, I would ask "why me?" Who listened then? I don't know, I have no idea. I would ask whenever life gets me down hard. I would ask when it didn't make sense, when it troubled me, when it upset me, when the ounce of happiness in my heart deserted me.
Perhaps God heard.
I wouldn't know. I would wake up the next morning with the same attitude as the night before. I would go to my bathroom, wash that memorable gaze depicting the freezing winter raging within my heart away, and replacing it with the seemingly fulfilled grin to show what little happiness I had left stored in that same heart. I went about my day with school, tennis practice, shower, dinner, and at last, the bed.

I shall now go to San Francisco and have dinner with some family. Good bye now.
Do not worry about me, for God is good, and I know He will lead me to companions of Christ, and companions of the world. Pray that when I meet those companions of the world, God will work through me to reveal Himself to them.

One other side of the Heart

No matter how much I despise and detest it, loneliness seems to always be there. Jumps at me every chance it sees, and feasts on what leftovers it had left from the last meal.

I miss myself. There is a faucet of joy, knob waiting to be turned on. My hand reaches out for that familiar knob, but before it touches it, my hand hesitates. The hand considers, the hand judges.
What a fool! To have to wait before showing joy!
Yet, I catch myself doing that. More often than before, now that I have returned to a familiar place. That desolate place from where I had been.

I feel distant.

My eyes are always swimming. They glance, look, analyze. They see the eyes, the gestures, the sadness, the loneliness, the desperation, the needs. Some, though, are happy the way they are. Some are not, but have not reached to a solution to their emptiness. Some are just going by, filling up their life to achieve some goal, carry out some purpose. Who knows? We all have eyes. My eyes were like yours. They have drooped.

To put it bluntly, it seems as though I have hit another point of my life where loneliness has power over me. It had happened before, the feeling is not unfamiliar, but I have always pushed out of it. Yet this time, like all the other times before, I don't feel so powerful.
Like all humans, I need a companion. God is my companion, and because of God, I know I can do this. I need His help. Again.
But that's okay. God is good.

Out of this week, I understood that I need a companion that I can truly connect to. It's so hard sometimes, I don't have that extended background of relationship as the people I have come to know this year have with their long-term friends. Because of such circumstances, I try to open up to everyone to, perhaps, find a person I can truly connect to. And I found my brothers and sisters in Christ. I love them. I miss them.

I'm just ranting.

I tried to sleep, but I couldn't fall asleep because I felt lonely tonight. I'm sorry for taking up your time. Thank you for listening.

Reasons for This

Accessibility.
Familiarity.
And now
connectivity.
Thus creation of this blog
For me
for my brothers
for my sisters
for my heart.
Now what?

Xanga marks my old self. Here comes the new path that has been paved before me for me.