It had been a while since I have shared a slice of the heart online.
Well, it's more like its been a while since I have shared a slice of the heart with anybody.
Though the Lord knows my heart. He knows, for He created.
And I would like to share with you today, a slice of my heart.
I have not been sleeping well for reasons unknown. It may have something to do with the irony of the sense of loneliness despite the return of many friends from their respective respected universities. My hand is sweating.
Sometimes I wonder if God will ever place a tangible "best" friend in my life ever again. I can never seem to truly open myself to any person I have known since long before. Insecurity binds me by the mouth, the mind, and quite possibly the heart. However this is the feeling I have come to peace with since the beginning of freshman year, when so much of my past had begun to crumble upon itself to explain that I indeed have some sort of insecurity problem. Knowing God helped me, I am able to share.
But I still feel I cannot share fully. I have yet to feel truly liberated from the...
what am I talking about? I am just ranting. Good thing nobody really reads this.
Anyway, as I had been saying, I have a problem with insecurity. What makes this worst is that I know I can trust my brothers and sisters, yet am unable to allow that to manifest itself as conversations, fellowship, etc. I never seem to go out and truly ask someone to hang out with me unless there's something truly disturbing me. And right now, even as this is keeping me away at night, I am unable to find somebody that I can share with.
Of course the Bible answer is that "I can share with God", but I feel right now I need to have some sort of a brother or sister who I can connect with in this sense. God knows. I wait for this person to show up in my life.
I shared everything with her. She knew my every thought, every dream, every nightmare, every success, every failure, every like, every hate, every single process in which I go about analyzing situations and every conclusion I will gain from analyzing said situation. We would go on endlessly into the depths of the night discussing and discussing of the stars, the girls, the guys, the classes, the food we had at dinner. She was beautiful, a true blessing to the eyes. We would go to the local McDonalds and grab meals together, sharing with each other more and more information, gossip, thoughts, dreams.
All but one fact I had revealed until the seemingly right time: I believed I loved her.
And even that fact had been made known. And it was mutual. But as it went on something happened. My problem with insecurity had proved itself once I had begun constantly writhing in my emotions and was only able to complain and complain to her. More and more of my negativity had shown itself, and manifested itself in my life. Despite knowing the person I "loved" "loved" me back, I was unhappy. More unhappy than I was before we started getting serious about our love. And it all snapped when my flirtatious attitude had eluded my thoughts and went straight to my mouth, unceasing in the words that would destroy us both, and send us to forks down the road.
I never talk to her now, she never talks to me. Once I attempted, but that ended as a short conversation about less-than-meaningful things.
I want a person I can really connect to. To be with me here. But we all can't have what we want, can we?
