To this day, the marks of my past sins haunt me.
I know I am free, but is never fully prepared for temptation.

I tell of ways to help let go
I support those who are letting go
I seem like I know how to let go
but I know nothing for I cannot let go

Soon the college ministry at my church will have to begin. I am nervous, for a number of reasons...
1. I have yet to give the ministry, which I am supposed to head, a name and a mission. I find myself hard-pressed to condense the purpose of this ministry/small group in one sentence without being totally directed towards students. I want this group of college students to be growing in Him together. I want to tackle questions of God and college life together. I want to form a tight-knit group that will be support for each other when needed. I want trust to take troubles from each heart to the group so as a group we can encourage and pray for each other. I want to help foster a group of college students aimed at God Himself. I am powerless in this sense. There are so many things I want to do with this ministry, but I certainly have no experience in such a task and am already quite overwhelmed by the experience. I have never felt like a leader as much as I did a laborer, but I guess it is time to step it up, kick it up a notch. Whatever it is.
2. With this ministry comes planning a budget. I have to plan for a budget that lasts until the end of this year, and a one-year budget for 2011. Within this budget is the costs of the breakfast ministry the committee planned for until the end of this year. That breakfast outreach thing is the one idea I know I must plan for. I don't know for sure what else to account for. My guidelines are stated above, and it seems that I must have some sort of interactive items to go along with my guidelines. Materials can, and are not limited to, books, videos, messages, speakers, etc. So many things are available, and I don't know where to begin planning for them in the budget. I have made a budget for a one-day trip to the beach with the youth group, and that budget took my committee and I weeks to finish. How much longer with a one-year ministry!

I feel 2 Cor 12:9-10 is a bit overused, but I don't find any other verse to be so applicable!
"But he said to me, "My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness." Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ's power may rest on me. That is why, for Christ's sake, I delight in weaknesses, in insults, in hardships, in persecutions, in difficulties. For when I am weak, then I am strong."
In my lack of experience is reliance on God for help. He IS my help here. With prayer and efficiency I will carry out these plans and run these ideas into tangible outreach for the glory of God. It will be a rewarding experience. It will also be a daunting task. The fact that I will have to head the ministry is intimidating in itself. I have to find things to do. I have to figure out how each Sunday will play out. I will have to think of ways to keep the group interested in the ministry. I will have to help the group break down barriers that may hinder them from sharing their troubles so that the rest of the group may encourage and pray for them. So many things to think about!
I know that I am okay because God is at the foot of this whole ministry deal. He is the solid ground the church is building the ministry from. He is the reason why I decided to say yes when asked to head this ministry. I rant and complain here and now, but I do not feel particularly discouraged. I know God is in control, and He will work this ministry out according to His perfect will.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Amidst all this, I am thinking about her. About her not-really changed hair. About her positive attitude. About her voice. About her ability to be comforting. About how outgoing she can be.
And I am thinking about my own heart and its intentions.
After hanging out with her today I went to Hunter's Point to see if it was possible to see the peak from Rainbow Court. The answer is no. The cul-de-sac is lower than the peak, and is hidden behind a hill, making the peak impossible to see from the cul-de-sac. There are mountains behind Hunter's Point that reach even higher, and it seems like there are roads to get up there. Someday I will trek those roads.

What would have happened if she got pregnant? She probably would have dropped it, regardless of what I say, and as the able driver and father of the embryo, I'd have to take her. To the health center and get it dropped, paying for it with my own dollars. Everything against what I thought would be good.
After the ordeal, I prayed nightly for her. I prayed against pregnancy, because I wanted her to have her future, her dreams, and an outlet for her endless ambitions. I wanted her to go where she was supposed to go, I wanted her life to go the way she wanted it to. I wanted her to be lifted of the fear of being a teen parent. I wanted her to live without fear. I cared so much about her. Then she had her period a month later.
The burden was lifted.
So a year passed since we have parted. She seems to be doing well, with seemingly exactly what she wanted.
For this reason I feel I had some connection with Jake. Except he took in the other side of things, but God blessed him with what was good for him. He makes me wonder what life would be like if events played out differently last year. But they didn't. Praise God.
But even if things played out the other way, praise God.

And now I feel I am beginning to like another person, a good amount. I feel my reasons are relatively just. It's all up to God. I pray that her and I will continue to grow in Him together and eventually be able to base a more intimate relationship together in Him.
Praise God for whatever happens now.

My heart calms at the sight of the Word
My mind excites at the reading of the Word
My soul is well at the remembering of the Word
He has done but good to me
I should be satisfied.

My heart softens at her voice
A strange feeling I have not felt for a long time.
Yet I cannot
I must not
give myself up to this illusion once again.
I know it will destroy me
I know it will end disastrously in the end.
So heart, I stand against you
I will not let you lead me
But only by the Spirit will I walk.

I wage war against my own heart.

The Lord made my emotions
so volatile
but there must be reasons
so mysterious
as to why I am
so volatile

Lord what is this
I am swept away once again
bending at Your winds of mercy
a tree in the storm
drowning in Your love
a sea, rushing shores

for You are who You are
no matter where I am

I slowed down today. I also realized. I have a very emotional heart. My heart bends with emotions, all emotions, any emotion at all. This morning I felt gladness, and praised God for blessing my life. I know so many, I am able to love so many with a love that finds its roots in His love.
And throughout the day I realized a part of my heart is looking for a girlfriend.
And that I have someone in mind. I try to deny it, but I know that my heart is indeed whispering to me when I'm not alert to block out such words. The heart cannot simply give this up. The Lord knows my heart.
May God's will be done.

I need to find a day
a place
where You and I can be alone
to be in Your arms
those arms, wide open
so ready to receive
so ready to embrace
so ready to love

Love is so simple
but in its simplicity
is an universe of meaning
A rainforest
of exotic birds
of new species
of grand discoveries
I am lost in the forest
in the universe
called Love