It had been a while since I have shared a slice of the heart online.
Well, it's more like its been a while since I have shared a slice of the heart with anybody.
Though the Lord knows my heart. He knows, for He created.
And I would like to share with you today, a slice of my heart.
I have not been sleeping well for reasons unknown. It may have something to do with the irony of the sense of loneliness despite the return of many friends from their respective respected universities. My hand is sweating.
Sometimes I wonder if God will ever place a tangible "best" friend in my life ever again. I can never seem to truly open myself to any person I have known since long before. Insecurity binds me by the mouth, the mind, and quite possibly the heart. However this is the feeling I have come to peace with since the beginning of freshman year, when so much of my past had begun to crumble upon itself to explain that I indeed have some sort of insecurity problem. Knowing God helped me, I am able to share.
But I still feel I cannot share fully. I have yet to feel truly liberated from the...
what am I talking about? I am just ranting. Good thing nobody really reads this.
Anyway, as I had been saying, I have a problem with insecurity. What makes this worst is that I know I can trust my brothers and sisters, yet am unable to allow that to manifest itself as conversations, fellowship, etc. I never seem to go out and truly ask someone to hang out with me unless there's something truly disturbing me. And right now, even as this is keeping me away at night, I am unable to find somebody that I can share with.
Of course the Bible answer is that "I can share with God", but I feel right now I need to have some sort of a brother or sister who I can connect with in this sense. God knows. I wait for this person to show up in my life.
I shared everything with her. She knew my every thought, every dream, every nightmare, every success, every failure, every like, every hate, every single process in which I go about analyzing situations and every conclusion I will gain from analyzing said situation. We would go on endlessly into the depths of the night discussing and discussing of the stars, the girls, the guys, the classes, the food we had at dinner. She was beautiful, a true blessing to the eyes. We would go to the local McDonalds and grab meals together, sharing with each other more and more information, gossip, thoughts, dreams.
All but one fact I had revealed until the seemingly right time: I believed I loved her.
And even that fact had been made known. And it was mutual. But as it went on something happened. My problem with insecurity had proved itself once I had begun constantly writhing in my emotions and was only able to complain and complain to her. More and more of my negativity had shown itself, and manifested itself in my life. Despite knowing the person I "loved" "loved" me back, I was unhappy. More unhappy than I was before we started getting serious about our love. And it all snapped when my flirtatious attitude had eluded my thoughts and went straight to my mouth, unceasing in the words that would destroy us both, and send us to forks down the road.
I never talk to her now, she never talks to me. Once I attempted, but that ended as a short conversation about less-than-meaningful things.
I want a person I can really connect to. To be with me here. But we all can't have what we want, can we?
Brother...there's a part of us that longs to be known, that longs to be understood. And so rare a chance we find such a person with whom we can finally feel comfortable sharing the deeper parts of the heart. The more we get to be with this person, the more we pour out. It feels nice, it feels refreshing. The deeper we go, the deeper it feels right. And our souls feel so ready to just pour out "every thought, every dream, every nightmare, every success, every failure, every like, every hate, every single process in which I go about analyzing situations and every conclusion I will gain from analyzing said situation". Now, a part of us is in that person. It's almost as if that person is carrying a part of our souls everywhere s/he goes and whenever we get to be with this person again, there's this link, there's this comfort.
ReplyDeleteBut there is something extremely dangerous in all of this. There's a limit to how much of us that person can carry. There's a weight limit.
There comes a stage when that person can no longer handle the expectations we place on him/her, or we ourselves start increasing the expectations, all of which can only be fulfilled by our Lord. S/he will fail us. More of our evil starts showing itself. And then there's a point at which everything breaks down and falls apart. Suddenly, the person to whom you once poured out so much...you just can't do it anymore. There's a scar. Sometimes the scar would just keep haunting you. You try to forget it, but as soon as that person is brought up in your mind again, that scar becomes ever so scarring again.
ReplyDeleteBut that's not the end of the story.
"When God came to earth in Jesus Christ...he became the man nobody wanted. He was born in a manger. He had no beauty that we should desire him (Isaiah 53:2). He came to his own and his own received him not (John 1:11). And at the end, everybody abandoned him. Jesus cried out even to his Father: 'Why have you forsaken me'" (Counterfeit God by Timothy Keller, P. 45)
Why? Because He loves us and can now personally understand us. He also took upon Himself our sins and died in our place.
ReplyDeleteBrother, until it personally sinks in to us that all we need, all we have, and all we want are all found in Jesus Christ our Lord, we're always going try to place this weight on a person that only God Himself can carry. And as a result? We start expecting more and more from the person rather than wanting to give more and more. And specifically in an extremely close relationship like marriage, that's when things may start breaking down.
Jesus came down, died, raised, sat at the right hand of God so that we may personally know Him.
Sometimes, I don't think is enough to just know that He already fully knows our hearts, our hearts have to belong to Him. A personal relationship requires the pouring out of the soul. Just as you yearn to be fully known personally, seek after God's heart and yearn to know Him personally. Just as you have poured out your all to her, pour your all to God, except this time and always, He will never fail you.
King David always pours out his heart to God and at the same time longs to know God more, God calls him the man who seeks after His heart.
ReplyDeleteAnd God is the only One who can fully know every part of you and still love you and approve you fully through what He has done.
And when we're found in Him, oh what joy!
Brother...it's tough, I know. And sometimes because you're reading this online and not listening to my words, the tone can be missed. These words are the results of my prayers and surely, the Lord is always with you. In fact, you live with Him. How awesome and glorious!
Jesus: "Cast all your anxiety on [Me] because [I] [care] for you." (1 Peter 5:7)
ReplyDelete"For God hath not appointed us to wrath, but to obtain salvation by our Lord Jesus Christ,
Who died for us, that, whether we wake or sleep, we should live together with him." (1 Thessalonians 5:9-10)
" But whatever was to my profit I now consider loss for the sake of Christ. What is more, I consider everything a loss compared to the surpassing greatness of knowing Christ Jesus my Lord, for whose sake I have lost all things. I consider them rubbish, that I may gain Christ and be found in him, not having a righteousness of my own that comes from the law, but that which is through faith in Christ—the righteousness that comes from God and is by faith. I want to know Christ and the power of his resurrection and the fellowship of sharing in his sufferings, becoming like him in his death, 11and so, somehow, to attain to the resurrection from the dead." (Philippians 3:7-10)
Sometimes, God takes things or people away from us, so that all our securities may be found in Him. And though we fail, He still loves us because of what He has done.
And God is the only One who can heal that scar.
ReplyDelete"And the LORD, he it is that doth go before thee; he will be with thee, he will not fail thee, neither forsake thee: fear not, neither be dismayed." (Deuteronomy 31:8)
ReplyDelete