One other side of the Heart

No matter how much I despise and detest it, loneliness seems to always be there. Jumps at me every chance it sees, and feasts on what leftovers it had left from the last meal.

I miss myself. There is a faucet of joy, knob waiting to be turned on. My hand reaches out for that familiar knob, but before it touches it, my hand hesitates. The hand considers, the hand judges.
What a fool! To have to wait before showing joy!
Yet, I catch myself doing that. More often than before, now that I have returned to a familiar place. That desolate place from where I had been.

I feel distant.

My eyes are always swimming. They glance, look, analyze. They see the eyes, the gestures, the sadness, the loneliness, the desperation, the needs. Some, though, are happy the way they are. Some are not, but have not reached to a solution to their emptiness. Some are just going by, filling up their life to achieve some goal, carry out some purpose. Who knows? We all have eyes. My eyes were like yours. They have drooped.

To put it bluntly, it seems as though I have hit another point of my life where loneliness has power over me. It had happened before, the feeling is not unfamiliar, but I have always pushed out of it. Yet this time, like all the other times before, I don't feel so powerful.
Like all humans, I need a companion. God is my companion, and because of God, I know I can do this. I need His help. Again.
But that's okay. God is good.

Out of this week, I understood that I need a companion that I can truly connect to. It's so hard sometimes, I don't have that extended background of relationship as the people I have come to know this year have with their long-term friends. Because of such circumstances, I try to open up to everyone to, perhaps, find a person I can truly connect to. And I found my brothers and sisters in Christ. I love them. I miss them.

I'm just ranting.

I tried to sleep, but I couldn't fall asleep because I felt lonely tonight. I'm sorry for taking up your time. Thank you for listening.